Life has a funny way of putting things in perspective sometimes. I've learned that since Saturday. Since then, I've sat back and looked at my life and the things surrounded in it.
I've realized that shit happens and when it does you just have to deal with it, fix it, and move on.
She came by on Friday and saw me for a couple of hours and I loved it. Sitting across the both from her at Rivals made my day. When she reached for my hand just to hold it, my heart beat fast and I had that flutter in my stomach. Those butterflies were working overtime. The next day I posted a blog that I think concerned her. Her demeanor changed and things seemed slightly odd. A week ago, she was thrilled at coming to my work holiday party and we even had a freakin' hilarious story to tell my coworkers on how we met. I don't know exactly what I said that made me rethink things, but she changed her mind about going to the work party. She said that she didn't think it was a good idea because she didn't want to mislead me. I don't know what she thought she would be misleading me to. I know the situation and I'm okay with that.
We are in a difficult situation with the distance between us along with some other things that makes it hard for us to see each other a lot. She said that sometimes I made her feel guilty for not seeing me as much as I wanted to her to see me, but I didn't do that on purpose. I would never want her to feel bad about anything with me. I know the situation and I don't expect things to change. I don't have some plan laid out in front of me with certain ideas of how life will go. I take the day as it comes. Carpe Diem. Live for the Day has been my motto for the longest time. If I decide to life for the day with her, is that a bad thing? I didn't think so.
I think maybe when we were texting and I hinted at the fact that I might actually love her... or when I said that in my blog a few days ago, that might've scared her a little. It might've made her shut down. But that wasn't the reason I said it. As I've said many times before, I'm an up-front kind of guy. I say it how I see it. If you look like a goddamn pig shoving food into your mouth, I'm gonna tell you that. If I think I'm falling for someone, I'm going to tell them that, too. I don't know if I love this girl, but I know that I love being with her and that's enough for me right now. Every moment we spend together lasts an eternity for me and it's filled with complete happiness. Now, the times that we are apart seem to stretch on for quite some time, but I don't just sit at home and ponder about her total existence. I don't just sit there and wait for the next time we can see each other hoping that it's the very next second. Sure, I love being with her. She's an amazing woman. Any man would love being with her. She's fun and smart and very easy on the eyes. I just hope something I texted her or blogged about didn't ruin the good that we had.
I'm okay with what we had/have. We were/are having a good time and that's really okay with me if that's all we have. If she has a change of heart and wants to move anything forward to different levels, that would be something to be looked upon at a future time. I wish I could say everything I want to say, but I promised to keep some things on the "down-low" here in my blog and I keep my promises.
I know you're reading this and I just want you to know that I do miss you. When I said "Hi" today and got the response back of "I'm having a really crappy day, i cant really talk right now, sorry.", I can admit I was slightly bummed. I love talking to you even if it's through text messages. I told you that everytime I hear that ringtone of yours or even if my phone just vibrates, I get excited just thinking it's you. I'm sorry that you're having a really crappy day and I hope that I didn't cause any of the crappiness. I hope that your day turns around and things start to flip to the good side for you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here to help you or just be here for you if you need me.
On another note, an old friend of mine got his car totalled while it was parked in front of his house on the street. This guy used to be my best friend, but because of some forgetfullness and money issues, we parted ways. This of course puts our mutual friends in an awkward situation, but that's their problem to deal with. I heard about his car and I really did feel bad for the guy. I know that when I'm without a car, I feel like I lose control and am locked up with no options. I get "cabin fever" real quick. He said he deleted my number, but I didn't delete his. I texted him and told him that even though he probably still hates me, I could give him a lift somewhere if he needed it. I know his situation sucks and I can be there to help him if need be because that's the kind of guy I am. I was shocked when he actually texted back and we went back and forth a little bit. I even offered to use some of my free movie tickets on him! lol He doesn't read this because he doesn't know I have it, but I just wanted to put it out there.
It's interesting how some things happen that drive people apart or bring them back together.
Swani, I hope everything works out for you and I will be here if you need anything or just want to get out of your house. I know your parents can be pains sometimes and you just need that freedom. I'm willing to put aside our past problems and move forward.
And to my lady friend, I'm not sure what you're going through or thinking because you didn't tell me. I can only ponder on things. I've told you that I have an over-thinking problem and it tends to work overtime when I don't know things. I don't know if I love you, but I love being with you. I want you to know that. I don't have expectations beyond belief with you. I know what's what. I hope when you read this it finds you doing okay and you know my number. If you need anything or just want to talk, I'm here. I miss you. Also, this is Day 7! I full-filled my end of the bet! I told you I could blog straight for 7 days. I might keep on going with this day-after-day if I get the swing of things. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment