Broken

You ever hear the phrase that "You don't know what you have until you lose it"? That's what's going through my head right now.

First of all, no one really reads this blog. I have 5 followers and I doubt any of them actually read this. I only knew of one person that read this because she reminding me when I didn't blog. It was cute. Now, I hope that she quits reading my blog because they are probably going to go on a down slope.

We ended this thing that we had going for us tonight. She couldn't answer questions I had and thought we were "fighting" about things that I wasn't fighting about. She thought I wanted more out of us than we had and I didn't. I was very content with what we had until this past weekend. She started acting strange and distant. She was trying to get space in between us because she thinks that I want a "real relationship" and that I'm a "great guy" and "deserves one". Sure, I could go for a real relationship, but I didn't give a fuck about that. All I wanted was her, what part of her I could get, and it was like she didn't believe me.

I can't help for the fact that I had feelings for her that she probably couldn't give back. I'm gonna say it, I loved her. I still do. I was falling IN love with her. I told her before that there was only one flaw I saw in her and she knows what it was. I was completely truthful about that.

I think this was just another instance where me being completely truthful has come back to bite me in the ass.

I'm gonna get out the real dirt here. The last relationship I was in, I was in love with the girl. I could see myself married and growing old with her. I could see us with grandkids and being that old married couple that sends their plate back at the restaurant and bickers over the littlest things. We ended our relationship because she said I was pressuring her to be with me. I didn't understand what the hell that meant. I loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her. She was going away to school to Poland in six months and didn't know if she wanted to even attempt a long-distance relationship and she knew I did. When we ended, I was broken beyond belief. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was depressed and confused about a lot of things. I had pretty much figured that I would die alone with nobody to give a shit about me. When I found out that she was dating some douche bag the weekend after we broke up and less than a week later they had the labels of "boyfriend/girlfriend" it tore me apart. I was not only angry at her and myself, but the whole world. I was a fractured portion of what I could truly be. As far as I know the two of them are still together and she's been in Poland since August. He's still here in Chicago. What does that say about me? Was I not good enough to do a long-distance relationship with and he was? That made me feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world.

For the longest time afterwards, I had given up on just about anything. My working out disappeared. My goals of going back to school and actually getting the degree I know I can get vanished. I was a lost soul roaming the streets with a vacant look on my face. It took a long time to get over that and I don't think I ever really did until I got a random text message. Someone randomly texted me "Hi" and that struck up a conversation. It turned into more than that and she turned out to be this amazing woman. My life seemed to be turning another corner. I started working out right away. I signed up for classes for the next semester. I could see my future and it didn't look empty and dark. The little time that we had together was the best time of my life. She was so awesome that I had to rub my eyes and pinch myself daily to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

She's the whole reason I started this blog. In the last two or three weeks, I realized that I really cared about this woman. She joked about me "loving her" cause "everyone does" but I knew at that moment that I did. I would do anything for her. Isn't that what love is? She in an interesting situation that could be a long time before I could actually BE with her as much as I wanted. I knew this and I understood it. I was willing to put in the time and wait. I would've waited until I was old and senile if I had to. She is this amazing.

But now it's ended. We said goodbye. I told her the truth when I said that she will always be on my mind. I told her the truth when I said that I will always miss her. When I said goodbye, like the sensitive pussy I am, I actually got really sad. I don't cry. I've cried enough tears in my life that I'm completely out of them. But I could feel myself getting really upset. I went outside to have a cigarette and my hands were shaking. Not because of the cold, but because I just don't know what to do. I came back inside and she had texted back. "I'll miss u too... bye" is what she said. Why did she have to text that back? Why couldn't she just've said nothing or been a bitch about it. This made it hurt worse and for the first time in years... a lot of years, I actually lashed out in anger. Not at her. At myself. I don't know how many times I punched the wall, but my hand still hurts.

How could I be such a moron? Why couldn't I have just lied about the way I felt? I could've kept it hidden for so long and everything would've just gone smoothly by. I would still be very happy right now. Instead, I'm feel broken. My head hurts. I can't think straight. What the fuck is wrong with me? I've only known this girl for what... 2 months? Fuck me, this sucks. I really just want to say fuck you to everyone and disappear to some island in the middle of nowhere.

I hope she doesn't read this cause I'm not posting it to make her feel bad or guilty. I wouldn't want that at all. That would only make me feel worse. I'm posting this because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Because of my past that I barely talk about, I keep most of my real self hidden and blocked from the world. This blog is now my only way to put what I'm truly feeling out there.

If you are reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you read this. I'm sorry for any guilt or bad feelings I ever caused you. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm just sorry.

I just realized that the worst part of all this is I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow and act like everything is fine and dandy. What I hate most in the world is putting on a false face and tomorrow I'm going to have to do that. I'm going to have to pretend like everything is roses and ice cream and I'm the happy-go-lucky son-of-a-bitch I have been for the past two months. That is going to hurt so goddamn much. Fuck.