This is Day 4 in the 7 Day Challenge made to me by the woman I refer to as Discorida or the most beautiful woman in the world. I've decided to be slightly selfish today and blog about me not getting what I want.
Right now at this very moment I have problems that are holding me back. I have issues that are holding me down. My car was purchased somewhere around a month ago. First it had a leak in the gas tank. It was fixed. Now something is wrong with either the battery or the starter. The guy I bought it from is my buddy's dad. He's going to come look at it on Sunday and try to figure out what's wrong with it. It started not working around Wednesday. I haven't had a car to do anything since then. I feel like I'm locked up here in my apartment. Without wheels beneath my feet, I feel like a prisoner in my own empty world. I can't do anything or go anywhere without the dependence of other people. For most of my life I've never had to depend on anyone. I've gotten what I want when I want by my own means. No one has been there in my life to assist me or give me anything.
You would think being an only child, I would be a spoiled brat. I remember my mother calling me a brat a lot, but never spoiled. I grew up as poor as I live today, if not more. I seem to barely get by month to month as I remember that to the be the same when I was younger. Nothing was ever handed to me. Anything I wanted I had to fight for.
I'm not blogging for sympathy or anything like that, I want to make that clear right now. What I blog about is what I think about, plain and simple.
Back on subject, my car is a piece of shit and I want to know why. Why must I have a piece of shit car? Is it so much to ask for something to go in the right direction in my life?
Another thing I'm worried about is this gorgeous woman I'm seeing. I can't stop thinking about her. I constantly want to kiss her and just be with her. But there are things that stop that from occurring. There are circumstances that I was forbidden to post here that hold our relationship back from the full potential of what it could be. As I sat across from her at Rivals Sports Bar last night in the booth, I gazed into her eyes and everything felt right. My heart pounded faster and the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't stop fluttering. I wanted to kiss her right then and there. I wanted to bring her back to my place... yeah... you'd like to hear the rest of what I wanted! PERVS!
Now, I've been told because of these circumstances, I'm only going to be able to see her like twice a month? That fucking sucks. Sorry for the bad language here, but it does. I mean, I don't know how she feels about me. Knowing my luck, she doesn't even like me. Maybe she's just going through the motions because she's bored with her current situation. All I know is that I think I may love this girl and our "situation" sucks.
I come to the strange question in my mind now as I've spent most of the day overthinking... Is it all worth it? I know it's too soon to really think about a far future from now, but what is the purpose of every relationship? I need to know what exactly we are in order to move forward in whatever we have. If this is just a fling or something not-so serious, I'm okay with that. If real actual feelings are involved, I'm okay with that, too. But what I want to know is what are we and what is this leading to? Is it too much for me to ask that?
I know she's going to read this blog. I can't help but wonder what her reaction will be. Hmm... I'll find out soon enough. I'm stuck right now. I'm stuck trying to figure out what we are and if I should just be happy with what I've got even though I want more. Will I ever get more or will I spend week after week... month after month... just wanting more. I'll never get used to that. I'll never want that.
I want my car to be fixed so I don't feel like a prisoner with no control. I want to know what me and Discordia are so that I can be okay with it and move forward. Is that too much to ask? Has karma finally bit me in the ass for something I did in the past? And if so, what was it?
The thing I hate the most is being frustrated and right now, I'm pretty goddamn frustrated.
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