Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Where do I begin with this little gem. End Game is the story of a serial killer Brad Mayfield (WWF/TNA wrestling legend Kurt Angle) who begins a killing spree, starting with a beautiful dancer. An ugly-douche detective is hot on the killer's trail, who begins playing mind games with him as well as on the victim's stripper roommate (Jenna Morasca). Lots of talking ensues, a bland murder happens here and there, a lot of sex and strip club scenes occur (fully-clothed the entire time), and so much other nonsense that I honestly could not believe while I was watching this piece of garbage. Let's see, what else went on. Our lead girl wears the same outfit sleeping, at a funeral, and casually. The killer calls our "hero" in the middle of the night from outside the city limits where it's a gorgeous sunny day. The swat team consists of 4 guys in jeans and t-shirts that say POLICE on them. Um, our "hero" is an insufferable moron that treats his family like crap, cheats on his wife with the lead chick, and gets away with his douchbaggery scott free; no comeuppance. Apparently, the retard child is the REAL hero of the movie. Our lovely director, Bruce Koehler and writer McCartney James (BOTH of whom do NOT deserve those titles) apparently did absolutely ZERO research into how the police/detectives run serial killer cases. It's as if this film was made my young, ambitious children. Here's a guess on how they did this film: whatever budget they came in with, 75% of it was given to Angle and the remaining 25% was used to create this abortion of a film. There is a TINY list of films I tell people to avoid and this is definitely one of them. I don't think critics should be allowed to tell people what to and what not to watch, and I hate being in that sort of position, but god damn, this movie was awful. Bad acting, bad writing, TERRIBLE continuity, horrible directing. I wish that none of these people would ever work in the movie business again.
At Black Market Caviar: 1945 W Chicago Ave, btw Damen and Wolcott; Ukrainian Village; 312.624.8893
Make your late-night Lenny Kravitz performances that much more potent at Etsy.com
Behold the future of mens style at ArmaniExchange.com
Starting tomorrow, the Cali craft beer colossus is finally distributing to Chi and's celebrating with a week of events and tastings at assorted spirits stores and brew-friendly joints all over the city (Hopleaf, The Publican, The Map Room), giving you ample chances to check out brews like Arrogant Bastard Ale, and Ruination IPA, the consumption of which among students has a similar effect on GPA.
Seriously, they're going to be everywhere. Get the full rundown of events at StoneBrew.com.
This is like a porn film from the mid 80s, but without the porn. It's poorly written, poorly produced, poorly acted, and just generally dreadful. Granted, with a film like this, you'd hardly expect quality, but it's really, really bad. And unless you really like very, very fake breasts, it doesn't even have the nudity going for it. Plus, it's a pet peeve of mine when they have used up old strippers playing the part of teen/college age girls. Beverly Hills 90210 was bad enough. This is pathetic. Don't bother. There are far better skin flicks out there with far better production value and more attractive casts.
I know what you're thinking here. Why did he even watch this? Or better yet: why did he decide to critique this movie?! "Keep it to yourself, Fnord!" Truthfully, I was looking for the shortest movie on my Netflix Instant Queue to watch and this was it. I don't know how it came to be on my list, but it was there. It could be the fact that I'm a fan of other Troma films such as "Class of Nuke 'Em High" and "Toxic Avenger". This might be the worst Troma film I've ever seen and that's saying a lot!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
If you're a fan of Dexter, this movie isn't for you. Yes, it's about a serial killer, but it lacks the character development of Dexter, as well as the interest of a code for the killer (the movie mentions one, but it is barely present). If you're a fan of Dark Comedy, this also isn't for you. The film never quite figures out what it's trying to be - interspersing (supposedly) amusing analysis and "self-help" style monologues with an overarching storyline. Part mockumentary, part serial killer slasher, with comedic parts few and far between, the first 20 minutes will tell you all you need to know on if you like it or not.
Although somewhat enjoyable, this film should not even mention serial killing. Serial killing is a distinct series of actions, different from mass murder or other any other murder for that matter. This movie completely misses the mark on serial killing. Apart from that, its really just your average comedy with a bit of a mockumentary twist that fades in and out. Its very amateurish and looks like just about anybody's first film (only with a huge budget). Overall, I think that Luke Ricci shows some potential to be a mediocre filmmaker in the future but the only things keeping me from giving this film one star are its originality and the acting.
Jude Law and Forest Whitaker might not seem like a perfect duo, but they work very well together in this pretty good cyberpunk thriller. The movie looks great and the music is awesome. The end gets a bit wonky, and there's a bit of a cop-out to it, kind of a twist. Not for the feint of heart or weak of stomach, though. There is some moderately strong gore and what I guess might be considered cybernetic sadomasochism bordering on the 'body horror' of a Cronenberg film. All in all, another solid, if not especially remarkable genre picture.
Definitely not for the faint of heart, there were scenes that even I had to look away as it was more graphic than I cared for it to be. That could be of course because of the 7 or so surgeries I've had. And though I could have lived just fine without seeing the last 10 minutes of the movie, it did prove to be a valuable insight to what was going on. I like the thought-provoking questions it will make you have once the movie is done, especially in light of the U.S. quite possibly going to a Universal Health Care system. I think it should be seen, if only once, just to give you a glimpse of one possible future we could be heading towards.
This movie really solidified why Jude Law and Liev Schreiber are two of my favorite actors. I really loved this movie. It's for sure going in my Top 100 somewhere. I smiled... and cringed... and laughed... and got sad. It was brilliant. If you go into it expecting Oscar-winner performances... you're a loser. Just go and enjoy this movie.
Three naughty girls -- leggy stripper Trixie (Julia Voth), homicidal drug runner Camero (America Olivo) and high-powered businesswoman Hel (Erin Cummings) -- team up to rip off a crime kingpin, but surprise betrayals quickly spin events out of control. Guns, hand-to-hand combat, scantily clad women and plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor populate this guilty-pleasure throwback to 1960s and '70s exploitation films.
Wrestler Kurt Angle makes his acting debut in this chiller as Brad Mayfield -- aka the Stranglehold Killer -- who seduces and murders women. With a talent for disguise, Mayfield's latest target is a recent victim's stripper roommate (Jenna Morasca of "Survivor: Amazon"). She thinks he's a detective investigating the case, even as Mayfield toys with the real cop on his trail. Sam Nicotero and Clayton Hill also star.
Desperate to save their marriage, one couple convinces three other couples to go in on a group rate price for an island retreat designed for troubled unions. But the "mandatory therapy" brews up nothing but trouble for everyone. Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell, Kristin Davis and Faizon Love star in this comedy penned by Favreau. Peter Billingsley, who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story, directs.
Trees provide many things, from oxygen, to books, to kindling for burning those books if they happen to feature blasphemous child magic. Now they can help you stash your hooch, thanks to Aspen Bottle Holders.A collection of ruggedly stylish wine racks, booze holders, and various drink-centric accessories all meticulously carved from large pieces of timber, Aspen's from a Coloradan who describes herself as a farmer/artist, or, more hilariously, a fartist. Made from solid pieces of sustainably sourced, naturally burled, waterproof-lacquered aspen/cedar, the meat of the collection are vertical standing wine racks holding anywhere from two to five bottles, with tweaked jobs including one outfitted with a stemware-hanging plank, and a wall-friendly three-bottler that arrives ready to hang, much as is dictated in Mr. Cooper's contract. The booze gets harder on sets equipped for specific liquor bottles, like a flat-sitting horizontal piece with a cavity for Crown Royal bookended by two tumbler-sized receptacles, and a standing joint that holds two 750ml square bottles (Jack, Jim, Jose, etc), and rocks space for four shot glasses, which can be used by friends, or used by you to alienate all of yours.
The past is full of antiquated ideas about relationships, like dowries, and condoms. Pulling the sheath away from the hilarious sexual past: Hersteria.Recently started by a Chi woman who collects vintage marriage and pleasure manuals, Hersteria runs only the best excerpts from a history so filled with sexual ineptitude, it's incredible you were ever born. A few tasty tidbits:
On appearances: "A wife cannot loaf around the house in slovenly and unattractive garb, screech at the children all through every evening, and sleep in curlers six nights in a row, then expect to overcome a week of half-repulsion in a few minutes of desperate appeal."
On dirty talk: "Try calling your wife an ‘A-1 tumblebun’ or your husband a ‘great big hunk of wonderful man’ when you’re obviously moving toward a sexual encounter."
On daily chores: " ... A woman should never turn down her husband on appropriate occasions simply because she has no yearning of her own for sex or because she is tired or sleepy, or indeed for any reason short of a disability…. Sex is too important for any wife to give it less call upon her energy than cooking, laundry, and a dozen other activities."
On the sexuality of supremacy: "To a male dog any female dog is as good as another, and vice versa. And the same is true of the primitive savage races, and even among the lower uneducated classes of so-called civilized races. To the Hottentot, to the Australian bushman or to the Russian peasant one woman is as good as another."
Because the pen isn't that powerful, the author has even taken to posting photos of an old-fashioned "Hussy of the Month", though if you find yourself getting aroused just remember that her dowry is probably a whole bunch of condoms.
Inform your entire sexual outlook at Hersteria.Wordpress.com
Monday, March 29, 2010
I went back and forth with this movie. Meaning everytime I thought I liked it something would happen to change my mind. A DEFINITE knock-off of the SAW concept, but I was willing to forgive this. Just as I said with the movie in general going back and forth, I felt the same with the acting. A few of them were solid actors and then the others were sub-par. There was one however I felt was a TERRIBLE actress. Surprisingly, the most recognizable face, Melissa Joan Hart, known probably most notably for her long running Nickolodeon show "Sabrina the Teenage Witch," gave the worst acting performance out of the bunch. On a positive note, as things start to come together and make since there is an impressive twist that makes you quickly become forgiving of its low points.......But then it drops the ball and the end makes you want the last 86 minutes of your life back. Disappointing.
As good as a movie starring Rob Van Dam, Dave Batista, Ja Rule and Omarian can be expected to be, "Wrong Side of Town" stands above recent efforts by professional wrestlers such as Kurt Angle ("End Game"), Ted DiBiase ("The Marine 2") and John Cena ("12 Rounds"). Van Dam is rather dull and unconvincing in the lead role of Bobby Kalinowski, an ex-Navy Seal who finds his family the target of a crime boss after accidentally killing his brother. Van Dam is not a naturally gifted actor, and as admirably as he tries, he spends most of the film sounding exactly like he's reading lines off a teleprompter. Jerry Katz is over the top as the main villain; he is given little outside of the stereotypical bad guy to work with but doesn't seem up to the task of raising the role above the material. Batista, on the other hand, comes off far more natural as the wisecracking, shady former friend Big Ronnie. Director David DeFalco handles the action tolerably, though the fight scenes do occasionally lack in smoothness and visual style. In terms of straight-to-video films this is far from the worst, though the generic story and very uneven acting make for a film that is really only worth a recommendation for wrestling enthusiasts that are interested in seeing Van Dam, Batista and Nelson Frazier, Jr. (better known as Mabel, Viscera & Big Daddy V) in a role outside the squared circle.
I am still confused on why Batista is the main person in the picture since RVD is the main character. And sorry to disappoint, but Ja Rule was only in the movie for about 55 seconds! Not that anyone goes to see a movie just because of Ja Rule. The fight between Batista and the little black guy was pretty sweet. He had a "no one makes me bleed my own blood" reaction. They had a slap/knife fight. I enjoyed that part. BIG RON FOR THE WIN! (That was Batista's character.)
Best Line of the Movie: "I'm not a meathead, I went to community college!"
3/5 Stars because I mark out for wrestlers in movies!
Started by a proud Arizonian cougar named Shelli (so much hotter than Shelly), C&C's a just-launched social network designed exclusively for older women and the cubs who want to become soulmates and have meaningful, rewarding relationships with bone them. Hunting the sun-damaged skin is simple: inform a profile with deets on your age, physical attributes, the kind of relationship you're looking for, and what kind of old woman you'd like it to be with (e.g., party animals, hotties on the hunt, trendsetters...), then start making e-friends; like Facebook, your info's only visible to members you're connected to, and you can post status updates to your Wall-like "wire", which will be lauded by critics for its realistic portrayals of everyday life, but fail to capture the audience it deserves. For those looking to get knee-deep in the local scene, C&C advocates the creation of groups to organize happy hours/events with cougars in your area, plus membership grants you exclusive access to site-sponsored trips including some upcoming cruises, on which the all-you-can-eat buffet will be you.
A Minnesotan who picked up the finer points of firing clay from his old man, JB specializes in hand-thrown stoneware mugs, jugs, and the like that frequently have contorted faces and monstrous dispositions, just like that mother-in-law of yours (pause for high five). Ugly-faced mugs are all food/dishwasher safe (some are even microwave safe) and come in various one-of-a-kind styles like a deep red pig face with polished rocks for teeth, a greenish ogre type that vaguely resembles Sloth from Goonies, and a turkey head colored with a cobalt blue glaze, because he had never seen a blue turkey before, and, to be honest, he wanted to see a blue turkey. He's applied the crazy-faced steez to other forms, including a chubby-cheeked cookie jar, a buck-toothed grayish wine goblet, and a whole series of ghoulish, old-timey jugs like the ones you'd see in vintage zombie adult movies if you hypothetically collected that sort of thing and hypothetically put it in the VCR the second your girlfriend left for work.
Because not everyone cares for crazy faces, he also uses his stoneware powers for more standard-looking mugs, goblets, and plates, which you can then pass to everyone, because it hurts sooo baddd, man, just this once!
Check out the boatload of pieces he has to offer at JoshBoock.com
But if you're going to sleep in the trees, we understand if you prefer to keep a king-size pillow-soft mattress handy.
Or, if possible, a sauna or two.
Welcome to Sweden's Treehotel, a set of six high-design suites suspended 15 feet above the subarctic forest floor, taking reservations now for its July opening.
It's the kind of thing you'd dream up if you watched 2001 while listening to ABBA... in the jungle. But in the middle of the Swedish wilderness, just a few degrees shy of the Arctic Circle, a band of innkeepers has turned all that daydreaming into a fully functional hotel. And they're accepting guests.
One suite lets you shack up in a human-size bird's nest, surrounded by a layer of thatched sticks, riddled with snow, moss and whatever else falls out of the trees. Another does its best impression of a UFO, with a saucer shape and abduction-ready porthole lights. Another ditches walls entirely, letting you set up in a massive mirrored cube with panoramic forest views. If you stop by during the summer, also known as midnight-sun season, you might even catch a 360-degree sunset. (Note to self: bring eyeshades.)
When you're done basking in the rustic tranquility, you can stop by the central inn for a sauna or a turn in the backyard hot tub, but the most important stuff will be coming from the kitchen: local delicacies like elk and reindeer steak, ferried out by a butler to whichever modernist marvel you happen to be staying in.
Don't worry. He's a climber.
Most people going to see this movie are probably pulled in because of Megan Fox... often when that is the case the movie isn't worth it. This time it is. Not because Fox puts in a stellar performance (she's fine here, btw), but because of Diablo Cody's writing. Another way to put this is if you liked Juno, you should watch Jennifer's Body. The dialog is that same non-existent but still humorous adolescent speak that would sound ridiculous to hear in real life, but on the big screen it'll make you chuckle. And this movie does just that... you'll laugh. There are plenty of jokes and only a few "horror" moments, which really aren't attempting to be scary, but more gory instead. If you like anyone in this film, or Diablo Cody's style I recommend this one.
HR: I grew up here so I was never afraid of the weather. [And] I've been miserable in some of the nicest places on the planet.
This month's Best of the Best is exactly what it says it is. Unlike those damn fattening Thin Mints.
Are You Watching This?
Newly improved by its tech-consultant creator, RUWT's a free web/iPhone/Android service that alerts you when things get down to the wire, so you'll know exactly when to interrupt your finally-watching-The Wire marathon, unless it's that scene where Brother Mouzone and Omar are about to kill String...oh, damn, sorry.
Old Spice Fresh Adventure Internship Search
Seriously, this is an insane opportunity; check it out at OldSpiceAdventure.com
Happy Hour Time Pieces
Zoo With Roy Dotted with photos of Roy Halladay at press conferences, tigers, and penguins, ZWR's from a South Philly, Nietzsche-quoting MBA whose laudable mission of convincing the Phillies' new ace to take him to the zoo's quickly spidered out into a happily schizophrenic trove of narratives, pics, diagrams, and even MS Paint creations, potentially leading you to confuse it with your LiveJournal.
Conceived out of desperation for a travel friendly hookah, the Hobo’s a stem/hose/bowl contraption that can instantly attach to a variety of bottles, turning everything from 40s to milk jugs into water pipes; features include a slot for a partner-friendly second hose, plus a neck made from aircraft aluminum, which has almost been as high as the dudes smoking it.
Garbage Pail Kid Graphics
Infinite "bath bomb"-creation knowledge awaits, at Instructables.com
Alec Huxley Art
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
1444 W Chicago Ave, btw Ashland and Noble; Ukrainian Village; 312.226.8828 Setting up shop in the former Sonotheque space, this outpost of the NY-based fleet of wild, multicolored watering holes mashes up an old timey beauty salon and a dance-heavy dive bar, and serves up specialty hair-themed cocktails like the Perm (Sailor Jerry rum, fresh lime, cranberry, orange) and the Platinum Blonde (Three Olives Vodka, Malibu, pineapple). Hit this Thursday's Vampire Weekend afterparty to soak it all in, plus vibe to the spinning prowess of bassist Chris Baio, who unlike his brother is only in charge of your Charleston.
Scope their beautiful home on the interwebs at BeautyBar.com
Below The Collar Spring Drop
The latest drop from Chi’s film-atic tee operation includes designs like a mostly black and white prowling Reservoir Dogs crew, Wayne Campbell's mug quoting his infamously creamy Chinese food order, and a headshot of Donnie Darko's famously unsettling Frank the Bunny, who would have turned out better had his father The Tank learned when to say "when".
Use the promo code "Thrillist" to get 10% off at BelowTheCollar.com
$1000 Shopping Spree
Win or lose, you get a 20% discount for signing up for the Karmaloop newsletter at Thrillist.com
131 N Clinton St, at Randolph; West Loop; 312.575.0306
Just opened in the Chicago French Market, Denver-based Pappardelle’s uses time honored Italian techniques to craft small batches of pasta, going so far as to low heat dry it for two days to "tease" out water; the 100+ varieties of glutenous goodness include unusual selections like Spanish saffron trenette, Tunisian harissa fettuccine, and dark chocolate linguine, though no white chocolate linguine, as Jason Williams just tastes like sweat.
Get your Italian on at FrenchMarketChicago.com
Select a font, color, and stain for your (optional) wooden frame, and this Minnesota-based artist'll whip up a custom typography-based painting showing all the stops on your preferred public transit line, minus the ones caused by notoriously absent signal clearance.
Get them cracking on your ode to the Red Line at Etsy.com
Vosges Bacon and Eggs
Just in time for Easter, the wildly inventive chocolatier has unveiled these 55% dark chocolate eggs filled with a soft, buttery caramel that's infused with bacon, a boon to all those whose pork lust can't be sated by holiday hams alone.
Inject more bacon into the Easter season at VosgesChocolate.com