Self-Actualization

I started writing this blog days ago. I thought my blog needed another “rant” about how I hate the world around me and how everyone sucks. A couple of days ago I was in that mentality… well maybe more like a week ago.

I really have a skewed view on life. My answer to everything was “Well, that person just sucks”. But I can’t be like that anymore. I’m tired of being angry with the world around me. I’m tired of hating every single person that comes into my view because of my past.

I’m not here to whine or complain. I’m not here looking for compassion or sympathy. I’m here writing on my blog because I have no other way of expressing my true feelings. No one is there to listen to me and talking to myself is just a little creepy. That’s why this blog is here. Though I will still probably continue with movie reviews and different fun things I find online, I still have this as my venue to vent occasionally.

Facebook suggested a friend for me that brought up some bad feelings. I didn’t like that. It made me sort of sad and made me miss what I didn’t have.

The past few weeks, I’ve had a few issues arise that have opened my eyes. I’ve gotten some health issues that have forced me to change a lot of things in my life. During my school at night after work, I’m taking a few classes that have opened my eyes to a new mental status of my own. I’m not saying that I’ve figured out that I’m crazy, I already knew that. Ha ha ha!

Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I don’t think I’ll ever get to Self-Actualization. There are too many things that I need to do and accomplish that just isn’t going to happen for me. It’s kinda sad, but my feelings for it is that of “whatever”.

I’m not crazy, but like everyone else in the world, I have issues.

I have issues that involve trust and love. Because of the lack I’ve had growing up with either of those, once I feel I have either of these things with someone, I cling to them like nothing else is important. I put love and trust on a high pedestal and worship it religiously because of the lack of it growing up. Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t exactly know what love is. Sometimes I feel that I can’t ever trust anyone.

It seems like every single time I put my love or trust into someone, it turns out bad at the end. There’s a time that it feels like I just can’t attempt it anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t even want to try it anymore. I don’t want to attempt to love or trust anyone because I know nothing good will come of it. Does that make me a negative person? Probably. Do I care if people see me as a negative person? Not at all.

I used to go through life wearing different masks so that the world won’t see me as who I am. I used to try and become the norm so that I wouldn’t stand out. I can’t do that anymore. As always, I’m tired of putting on a mask of being content. I’m tired of pretending I give a shit anymore.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved. That’s fine. I’ve come to the realization that love won’t come for me and I’m too sick and lazy to search it out anymore.

With all of my heart all I want is to love someone and have them love me. I want to grow old with someone and stare off into their eyes forever. I’d like kids one day because I adore them and having one of my own would be awesome. I’d be okay with not having kids, too. Ten years ago I had dreams of falling in love and having a family eventually. Now, through the issues I’ve had in the past few years, I don’t see that happening at all.

Four months from my 30th birthday and I’m as lonely as I’ve ever been. It really sucks, but I’ve learned to live with it. With the realization that any outreach or attempt to find someone to care about me just ends disastrously, I’ve grown comfortable just doing nothing.

Now I just go through a boring routine. Work. School. Nothing. Sleep. Work. School. Nothing. Sleep. It repeats itself over and over and over. Sometimes one of the four steps is left out and I do more of nothing. It’s really let me reflect upon myself a lot. That and these recent health issues I’ve had has made me quite tired and sluggish. I’m pretty sure if I could, I’d be asleep more than I would be awake.

Nothing will change for me. I try to find motivation to move forward or change things, but I don’t see any motivation coming in my direction. I’m tired of searching for something that’s never there. I’m tired of everything.

So for now, I’m just going to go through the steps and follow my routine. What happens will happen. There are people that were once in my life that I wish were still here. They know who they are. I don’t know what they are up to or if they ever even think about me. I think about them all the time. When I’m alone and doing nothing, my mind wanders. I get images in my head of what could’ve been or what was and it makes me sad.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing is out there. The black void of nothing is my mantra. It’s what I am.

I am nothing.