I sit here day by day and watch life pass me by. I’ve grown into a dark angry bitter old man at the age of thirty. I disappear daily into movies and television shows and video games and internet crap. I’d rather stay locked away in a room with all of these “entertainment” factors than face humanity. When I do venture out into the real world, I wear a mask of false emotions. I show happiness and other emotions when all I feel is nothing. I go through the motions and make people think that life is normal when it’s really not.
I feel empty. I feel like I am lacking something that I need to move forward and I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know when this feeling started… this feeling that has sent me to a dark place. I read this poem online this morning… it felt right… I don’t know…
In the sky the stars of your eyes
To feel the touch of your smile
Lingering words not forgotten or spoken
All lost to a brighter light than mine
I wish there were answers in this bottle
But all I can find is dizziness and tears
She took with her something that was half mine and hers
The one thing I thought I could fight for
Is there a place below rock bottom
Will my heart find me there
Can there be hope with so much despair
How can I move on when not even I care
For a long while now it seems as if something was eating away at my insides. I’m not talking about a tape worm or something physical, but emotionally and spiritually. Something was eating away at me making me not give a flying shit about anyone or anything else in the world. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel sad. It’s weird. It’s as if I just don’t care about much of anything anymore.
The weird pattern that’s gone throughout my life is that I fall into shit… I always seem to come out smelling like roses and being great at the end. The truth is not matter how I come out at the end, I’m getting tired of falling into the shit to begin with. I’m tired of everyone around me and for the most part just want to disappear. I’m surrounded by idiots every single day and can’t seem to get away from them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m more intelligent than others, but some days it seems like everyone is an idiot except for myself. I find myself sitting back and just thinking… “really?” repeatedly throughout every day.
I don’t expect anyone to really read this. I don’t expect anyone to give a shit. I just thought I’d post something real here instead of what I normally do and disappear happily into movies/videogames/other entertainment.
I find myself staring out at the sky a lot lately. And when I stare I don’t think of anything in particular… I just stare. Something has to be out there that makes me better. What it is and when it’ll happen, if it even happens, is a mystery to me. I don’t have my hopes up. I don’t have a good outlook on anything.
Just thought I’d put this out there to anyone that’s willing to hear me rant about how life sucks and seems without meaning at all.
Life sucks and is without meaning. That doesn't mean you can't smash some shit up in the meanyime.
ReplyDeleteYeah, life kinda sucks. People wont do what you think is best for them..and nothing ever really works the way it should... Our problems are really quite similar no matter where we are in the world.
ReplyDelete..and if you think I'm commenting because I've got the answer to share with you then you will be disappointed again mate.
But I hear you and feel your pain...wish I had the answers...for me as well as you!
Cheers, youre not alone!
Kymbo
I find enough people offer just enough of a glimmer of hope to let me convince myself that we're going to get through this alright. I mean, even the biggest idiot is smarter than a slug, right? We just gotta get the idiots in places where they can't do too much damage. Maybe slug farmers?
ReplyDeleteI hear ya dude. Have you thought about a change of scenery? Maybe quit your job, get rid of your place, go backpacking in Europe for a month, come back to the U.S. and move to another state, go sky diving, and try to mix it up a bit with other random crap. It's easy to get sucked into "life" and just go through the motions all day. The next thing you know, you'll be 40 and writing the same thing on here.
ReplyDelete