How To Beat Up Anybody!

Judah Friedlander’s new book kicks butt.

You probably know Judah Friedlander best for his performance as Frank Rossitano on 30 Rock, or as the late Harvey Pekar’s pal Toby Radloff in the movie version of American Splendor. But talk is cheap, and so is paper, thus was born Judah’s new book How to Beat Up Anybody.

As Judah reveals himself to be the nerd-Chuck Norris, you can learn to layeth the smack down on three-armed men, dinosaurs, ninjas, Bigfoot, and, uh...muggers. All techniques are handily illustrated in convenient pictorial style.

Hedge clippers, hula hoops and high heels are among the wacky weapons favored by the self-described World Champion, who also claims to be able to make the planet shake and travel in time with his spaceship in order to combat cavemen. Yet there are also culinary tips: did you know that pulling a bagel apart is good practice for castrating a foe? Also impressive is a photo series in which Friedlander teaches karate to nude strippers on his day off. Truly, his charity in teaching others self-defense knows no bounds. Even so, this last one stretches credibility just a bit. After looking at the photos many times, in close detail, we wondered: would strippers really be naked on their day off?

Either way, the only thing that kicks more @ss than Friedlander - so we hear (from him).

There is no meaning...

I sit here day by day and watch life pass me by. I’ve grown into a dark angry bitter old man at the age of thirty. I disappear daily into movies and television shows and video games and internet crap. I’d rather stay locked away in a room with all of these “entertainment” factors than face humanity. When I do venture out into the real world, I wear a mask of false emotions. I show happiness and other emotions when all I feel is nothing. I go through the motions and make people think that life is normal when it’s really not.

I feel empty. I feel like I am lacking something that I need to move forward and I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know when this feeling started… this feeling that has sent me to a dark place. I read this poem online this morning… it felt right… I don’t know…

In the sky the stars of your eyes
To feel the touch of your smile
Lingering words not forgotten or spoken
All lost to a brighter light than mine
I wish there were answers in this bottle
But all I can find is dizziness and tears
She took with her something that was half mine and hers
The one thing I thought I could fight for
Is there a place below rock bottom
Will my heart find me there
Can there be hope with so much despair
How can I move on when not even I care

For a long while now it seems as if something was eating away at my insides. I’m not talking about a tape worm or something physical, but emotionally and spiritually. Something was eating away at me making me not give a flying shit about anyone or anything else in the world. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel sad. It’s weird. It’s as if I just don’t care about much of anything anymore.

The weird pattern that’s gone throughout my life is that I fall into shit… I always seem to come out smelling like roses and being great at the end. The truth is not matter how I come out at the end, I’m getting tired of falling into the shit to begin with. I’m tired of everyone around me and for the most part just want to disappear. I’m surrounded by idiots every single day and can’t seem to get away from them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m more intelligent than others, but some days it seems like everyone is an idiot except for myself. I find myself sitting back and just thinking… “really?” repeatedly throughout every day.

I don’t expect anyone to really read this. I don’t expect anyone to give a shit. I just thought I’d post something real here instead of what I normally do and disappear happily into movies/videogames/other entertainment.

I find myself staring out at the sky a lot lately. And when I stare I don’t think of anything in particular… I just stare. Something has to be out there that makes me better. What it is and when it’ll happen, if it even happens, is a mystery to me. I don’t have my hopes up. I don’t have a good outlook on anything.

Just thought I’d put this out there to anyone that’s willing to hear me rant about how life sucks and seems without meaning at all.

Directed by Dolph

If Rocky can direct movies, why can’t Drago?

Here are some things you didn’t know about Dolph Lundgren, and they are all—we swear—100 percent true: He speaks seven languages. He has a masters degree in chemical engineering. He's a song-and-dance man. And once turned down a freakin’ Fulbright Scholarship to study at M.I.T.

Because what he really wants to do is direct.

Decide if he made a smart life choice by grabbing Lundgren's latest directorial effort The Killing Machine, available tomorrow on DVD. And don’t worry: Dolph Lundgren may be the smartest man in action movies, but he ain’t trying to make smart action movies. A throw-back to 90’s shoot ‘em ups, The Killing Machine stars Lundgren as a former KGB agent who moves on to plugging people for the Russian mob. Then one day big men with bigger guns mysteriously start coming after him and his family. Not that you would know much of that plot from the trailer. Pretty much all you know from the trailer is that Dolph Lundgren kills people. Lots and lots of people.

Originally, the movie was named Icarus, which is Lundgren’s KGB codename in the film and a reference to Greek mythology. It’s also apparently too sophisticated a title for action audiences who need something simple, like The Killing Machine.

If his directing is as good as his training montages, we're in.

Red (2010)

After trading in his professional past as a black-ops CIA agent for a new identity, Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is basking in normalcy. But he's forced to return to old habits when a shadowy assassin puts a target on his back and goes after the woman (Mary-Louise Parker) he loves. Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren and John Malkovich co-star as former members of Moses's team who reluctantly reassemble to save his life.

Cast:
Bruce Willis, Mary-Louise Parker, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Julian McMahon, Ernest Borgnine, Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox, Karl Urban, James Remar

RED has seriously heated up. Based on the three-issue comic series by Warren Ellis and Cully Hammer, RED is about a retired black-ops CIA agent (Bruce Willis) who must fight for his life when younger, prettier, and more high-tech assassins attempt to take him out. Mirren plays a former associate of Willis with a lethal set of skills. Hit the jump to convince people this is a remake of the 1994 Krzysztof Kieslowski film, Trois Couleurs Rouge. This is a star-studded, fun film: One not to be missed!

Red is exactly what it wants to be, and exactly what it should be - a light-hearted but bloody, funny but still story-driven tale of ex-CIAers getting tagged for being taken out for reasons initially unknown. The main two characters here, and suppliers of a sub-plot that serves to spur on the interactions and story, are Bruce Willis as Frank Moses and Mary-Louise Parker as his love interest. Thankfully this story is kept cute and sensible, and isn't weighed down by a pointless epilogue or any drawn out moments. The focus is mostly on the big WHY of the story and how the characters are going to deal with it. Director Robert Schwentke stays true to the quick pace and violence of the comic but smartly ditches the heavy-handedness of Ellis writing for the more comedic tone. This is not at the sacrifice of action, however - the action scenes are directed beautifully, with some really interesting camera work and effective sound mixing. Red isn't the best thing ever, but it's a more mature Oceans 11 that doesn't try pretend to be more than the quick pleasure it is.


*****/*****

5/5 Stars!

Joe a No-Go?

ESPN: Girardi to Get Offer from Yankees

So it seems the Cubs are down to two choices: Ryne Sandberg and Mike Quade. But what about Joe Girardi? The Yankees will offer him a three-year deal after the playoffs, ESPN's Bruce Levine says, noting "there has not been any contact between Girardi and the [Cubs]." What the...? The Sun-Times' Rick Morrissey thinks Girardi must still be in the mix, or else the Cubs would have decided by now. And the Daily Herald's Barry Rozner thinks the Cubs are making this all far too complicated.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

When Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat) fear their San Diego, Calif., home may be haunted by a demonic presence, Micah sets up a video camera to document all the jaw-dropping, hair-raising action over a series of several nights in fall 2006. The paranormal occurrences increase in frequency and significance, leaving Katie more and more distraught -- and determined to put an end to the terror.

While I think that this was a fairly decent movie, I do not believe that it warrants the distinction as being the scariest movie ever made. To be honest I didn't find it all that scary at all. I even gave it the best possible chance. I watched this movie at night, alone, with all the lights off in the apartment. I really only jumped once, and that wasnt even at the end where the really scary stuff happens.... Perhaps I am not a good model though for judging the shock value of this movie though since I am a huge fan of the paranormal, have watched countless shows and movies on the subject, and have even had a few run-ins with it myself... As I said, it's a fairly decent movie, and worth a watch for sure, but its really only gonna be scary to the easily scared...

I give it three stars only in the fact that, like any lame horror film, it will give me a general sense of nervousness. The night scenes were the only part really worth watching, as they were full of atleast -some- suspense. But the movie itself was in no way scary. I give credit to the director for some smartly used effects, but the movie was killed by the fact they Micah was a POORLY acted character. Reality check, no matter how macho you want to pretend to be, if something like this was really going on, and you actually give a shred of a care for your loved one, you don't pull the "I can handle this" just to feel like you've got something big between your legs. Instead, any real person wouldve called someone for help. Katie's fear was decently believable, while Micah's character was a complete joke, so the only thing about him that was enjoyable was what happened to him at the end. All in all, couldve been a lot better, but I will give Peli credit where credit is due for the smartly used effects. The intelligently used effects and the not-too-shaky camera work are worth giving their due. Next time though... better actors... and make it more believable. Especially since anyone who sees that board LIGHT ON FIRE, would've called someone the same friggin day.


***/*****

3/5 Stars

Know Thy Enemy

The new Medal of Honor lets you fight the Taliban—or become them.

Video games have a long history of controversy. Mortal Kombat had moms nationwide hyperventilating over its graphic violence. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas had that super-secret mini-game where you could give your girlfriend the business. And who could forget the hidden screen in Super Mario Bros. 3 where Luigi pistol-whipped a hobo?

Add to that list the new Medal of Honor, which takes place during the still on-going War in Afghanistan—and lets you fight as part of the Taliban. Ditching its former WWII settings, this reboot of the Medal of Honor franchise joins U.S. Special Forces during Operation Anaconda, which took place in March 2002 in Afghanistan’s rugged Shahi-Kot Valley. In the game’s single-player mode, all is sweet and non-controversial as users do their best to hammer the bloody hell out of the entrenched Afghani forces. The controversy comes with the online multiplayer mode, which allows teams to battle each other. That means one group ends up as the Taliban, trying their best to kill American forces.

What? Too soon?

In response to an initial political outcry, Electronic Arts has already announced that the game’s multiplayer mode will no longer refer to the Taliban as the Taliban. Instead the insurgents will be labeled simply the “Opposing Force.”

Of course, what you call them as you’re blowing them to pieces is totally up to you.

The Rocketeer is...You.

Thanks to New Zealand’s Martin Aircraft, you too can soon be a rocketman.

Weren’t we all supposed to have jetpacks by now? It’s not just that we expected to have them by the dawn of the 21st century, but that commercial air travel just seems to suck more and more each year. A one-man contraption without screaming babies and overpriced Pringles sounds like a heavenly alternative.

When it comes to long-awaited goals, however, trust the New Zealanders to get it done. Look how many people thought a faithful Lord of the Rings movie trilogy would never happen in our lifetime, but those resourceful Kiwis made the impossible a reality. Lo and behold, the Martin Jetpack is now here!

Assuming inventor Glenn Martin has his way, folks visiting Christchurch, NZ will soon be able to shell out $320 for a ride in one of these things, which aren’t quite at Rocketeer-levels of compactness just yet. Want to own one? That’ll be $100 grand, please (though maybe it’s New Zealand dollars, in which case you can save on the exchange rate). If that’s out of your budget, they also have T-shirts that you can buy. Call it an investment in the company.

If you do pick one up, we suggest steering clear of hibernation-blind, pike-wielding star pilots. And Sarlacc pits.

Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is coming!

Get Ready For The Best To Battle The Best.

Godzilla vs. King Kong. Alien vs. Predator. Superman vs. Muhammad Ali. If there’s one thing us geeks like, it’s seeing the characters we adore crossing universes to get together for the first time. The only thing we like better, is then watching them pound the snot out of each other.

After a decade of waiting, one of the greatest matchups of all time is finally returning with MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3: Fate of Two Worlds!

Next Spring, the biggest names from the Marvel Universe will clash heads with the combined might of Capcom’s best known and most feared roster of gaming characters. Powered by the mighty MT Framework engine, MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3 will deliver the best ever match up of legendary fighters and no holds barred fighting action.

Can’t wait that long to get a taste? We’ve got your back. Check out the game’s official website to do stuff like view the latest screenshots, check out the characters in the game, keep up with everything MvC3 and of course pre-order the game. If that’s not enough for you, all you have to do is go to New York and look up the Capcom booth at the New York Comic Con this weekend to see what surprises they have in store.

Blood Creek (2009)

When a family agrees to host an occult-obsessed Nazi scholar in their West Virginia farmhouse prior to World War II, they're transformed into his undead slaves and must kidnap local victims to feed his bloodlust. Years later, an abducted war hero (Dominic Purcell) breaks free from the zombie family's clutches, rounds up his brother (Henry Cavill) and returns to the wilderness for payback. Joel Schumacher directs this supernatural horror flick.

Didn't quite cut it for me. Although the film is high quality it definitely has that straight-to-video feel. The story was rushed and left a lot of important stuff out. No character development or anything. Also, I'm not sure why people are calling this a zombie flick cuz it's not, it's just a standard supernatural horror movie that isn't scary at all. I'm very surprised this is a Joel Schumacher film, he can do so much better.

**/*****

2/5 Stars