A New Angry Me

Not sure what to say in this blog of mine anymore. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve barely left my apartment. I barely get anyone calling me or texting me anymore and when they do, I don’t bother responding.

I go by day-by-day just going through the motions. At work I pretend like life is grand like normal. I guess I feel the need to be the happy-go-lucky guy of the office. I hate doing that, though. I hate putting on a false face and playing a role. I’m not an actor. I don’t have a SAG card. As soon as I exit the building, my face turns to emotionless crap. I’m starting to notice that it’s happening sometimes through the day as well.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I seem to be angry at the world for giving me so much shit. Anyone that cares for me or at least pretends to care for me just disappears eventually. I seem to be all alone in this world. I’m not saying that like it’s a good or bad thing. I’m just stating the facts. There’s not one person in this whole entire world that gives a shit about me. Maybe that’s what I’m angry about?

I’m not telling you all this because I’m looking for sympathy. I’m not depressed or sad. I’m just angry. I normally don’t get angry. No one out there really makes me angry. Maybe it was all waiting inside throughout the years until the final straw was broken? I’ve punched things so much in the past two weeks that I’ve begin to routinely ice my fist. Someone honked their horn at me the other day and I sped up and cut them off. I got out of my car and stared at them. They quickly sped away. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

I heard myself sound like Eeyore while talking once. That was weird.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m angry at the world for being how it is. Maybe I should be angry at myself because I made my world how it is by stupid decisions. The way I see it, I can’t be blamed for the way that world treats me.

I used to be a happy person and used to try my hardest to make the world happy. I was a people pleaser to the highest possible place. I would do anything for those around me just to make them happy. With every one of those people that I thought cared about me and I put in 100% of myself to them, I ended up getting burned. All the way back to my childhood people have burned me. I usually got back up, dusted myself off and went on with my life. I’d eventually find someone else that I would do the same with, only to get the same happen to me. It seems like a pattern that would never end until the end of my existence.

I thought the pattern had finally ended about a year ago. I was wrong. When I got burned that time, I was sad and depressed. I thought it was the end of my world. I was ready to just fall asleep and never wake up. That ended after a while. I became back to the regular me. I even met a girl, though through unusual circumstances. I became happier than I thought I would ever be again. Because of certain circumstances, it wasn’t a “complete” relationship, but I was okay with that. I was okay with the part of her I could get. In fact, I loved that part I could get. Any part of her that I was allowed to have, I immensely enjoyed. She recently disappeared as quick as she showed up in my life. And as random as she showed up, she disappeared without explanation.

I knew two weeks ago that we would be ending soon. Because of something that happened to her, I could tell that her situation would be changing and I would not be needed in her life. I saw it coming. When she just stopped, she didn’t tell me. She didn’t talk to me about it. She just stopped me. Like everyone else in my life, she just stopped me. I’m not sad and depressed like I was before. I’m just angry. I’m not angry at her. I’m not angry at the situation. I’m just angry.

I want to punch things.

I want to hurt things.