Neo Ned (2005)

Like most kids, Ned idolized his father and dreamed of following in his footsteps. Unfortunately, his father was a two-bit crook who spent most of his life in jail. Without a family of his own, Ned falls in with the Aryan Brotherhood. Soon after, Ned is placed in a mental hospital where he is mesmerized by a young black girl who believes Adolf Hitler was reincarnated in her. What follows is a gritty character study and poignant love story of two people brought together by a seemingly impossible connection. As a result of that connection, they both find that there is more to a person than what is on the surface.

Surprisingly good film. It was as difficult to listen to him speak to her the way he does (in the beginning) as it is to watch her keep her composure whist he is doing it (instead of smacking him). Union and Renner, neither of whom I am very familiar with, do excellent work here. Why this film is not more well-known is beyond me. It was most assuredly worth my time, and I'm not likely to forget a moment of it... ever.

****/*****

4/5 Stars

Big Fan (2009)

Paul Aufiero, a 35-year-old parking-garage attendant from Staten Island, is the self-described "world's biggest New York Giants fan". He lives at home with his mother, spending his off hours calling in to local sports-radio station 760 The Zone, where he rants in support of his beloved team, often against his mysterious on-air rival, Eagles fan Philadelphia Phil. His family berates him for doing nothing with his life, but they don't understand the depth of his love of the Giants or the responsibility his fandom carries.

One night, Paul and his best friend Sal spot Giants star linebacker Quantrell Bishop at a gas station in their neighborhood. They impulsively follow his limo into Manhattan, to a strip club, where they hang in the background, agog at their hero. Paul cautiously decides to approach him, stepping into the rarefied air of football stardom--and things do not go as planned.

The fallout of this chance encounter brings Paul's world crashing down around him as his family, the team, the media and the authorities engage in a tug of war over Paul, testing his allegiances and calling into question everything he believes in. Meanwhile, the Giants march toward a late-season showdown with the Eagles, unaware that sometimes the most brutal struggles take place far from the field of play.

Following up his first filmed screenplay, THE WRESTLER, writer-director Robert Siegel once again demonstrates a unique and potent vision of the human experience, in all of it its harsh truths and hopeful humanity.

Big Fan manages to combine just the right amount of comedy in what is most definitely a drama. The acting is surprisingly good, with both Oswalt and Corrigan turning in great performances. Siegel shows us again that he is a great writer and has a gift when it comes to crafting believable real life dialogue. The direction causes the movie to be boring in some parts most likely due to this being Siegel's first outing. And maybe next time you hear a crazed fan on a radio call-in show, you will feel a little differently.

***/*****

3/5 Stars

Imaginistix Prints

Prints Fantasy art, for more than just geeks

The keys to a successful marriage are spending quality time together, keeping things fresh, and making sure she doesn't find your SextingBerry. Or, just spending your lives painting fantasy art together, like the lovebirds from Imaginistix.

A hundreds-strong collection of affordable, crazy-detailed, actually cool fantasy-esque prints (typical superhero fare to juiced-up homages to sports stars, TV shows, and movies), 'Stix is the work of a husband/wife team who've augmented their nerd-industry careers with everything from ad campaigns for major brands like Doritos, to album art for musicians who ate too many of those (Meat Loaf). Due to a shared interest in working out (she's a former pro bodybuilder), plenty of their work features seriously jacked characters, like "Commandoes" (two crazy-built half-naked chicks toting assault rifles), and another with a giant dude wearing lifting gloves reaching for an oversized dumbbell in a mountain of rocks, clearly inspired by the classic children's film The Sword in The Free Weights Section of Gold's. Other highlights include Barry Sanders and a purple lion jumping out the top of a football stadium, a bunch of six-shooters pointed at Clint Eastwood while he points one at the viewer, the Seinfeld cast as Star Wars characters (George is R2, Newman's Vader), and an homage to the movie Knightriders, starring a young Ed Harris as a jousting motorcycle knight with just enough hair to cover up his dome, but not enough to cover up his making a movie about jousting motorcycle knights.

If you've got a spare 10 grand laying around laying around, they've also got mostly comics-themed original paintings for sale, including a huge oil mural of the X-Men crew -- not recommended for men needing to save cash for the divorce, once their wife finds the SextingBerry revealing just what their little Cyclops has been up to.

Order up a print in your choice of four sizes at Imaginistix.com

LightHeaded

Electric booze to brighten your pad

A wise man once said you can take the Jack out of the liquor cabinet, but you can't take the liquor out of the Jack, and then make that mofo a lamp. Wrong on both accounts, Dad: LightHeaded.

Handmade in Indiana by a dude with an eye for fine booze and a knack for electrical work, LH crafts working desk lamps from the bottles of a massive selection of fine spirits, but only empty ones, 'cause otherwise it'd be both wasteful AND dangerous. He's lit up all sorts of classic brands, from whiskey (Canadian Club, Wild Turkey, Maker's) and vodka (Goose, Absolut, Belvedere) to a "naked" Jaeger bottle that's without a label -- now if we could only achieve that with each other. They've also ventured into the realm of tequila (Patron, Cabo Wabo, Cuervo), sweeter stuff (Kahlua, Frangelico, Baileys) and a tall, narrow bottle of Galliano, an Italian herbal liqueur that's a key ingredient in a Harvey Wallbanger, the other one being your mom...HEYOOO!

Shades are not included, but you can ask the dude to get one for you; also drop him a line if you want a lamp made with a hooch he doesn't have, but as a wise man once said, give a man a liquor bottle lamp and he'll have light for a day, but teach him to make one and he'll be like ... do you appreciate me now, DAD?! Do you?!?

They have way more alcoholic appliances than we could show you at Etsy.com

Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009)

Ben Stiller returns as hapless museum night watchman Larry Daley in this sequel to the hit comedy. Though he's now working at the Smithsonian Institution, Daley continues to deal with exhibits that come to life while the museum is closed. His adventures this time include close encounters with Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams), George Custer (Bill Hader) and Ivan the Terrible (Christopher Guest). Owen Wilson and Ricky Gervais co-star.

It’s difficult to find much to like about this surprisingly disappointing sequel to the fun 2006 family film of the same name, but it isn’t completely useless. Almost all sequels are inferior to the original, and that holds even more truth with the sequels of successful summer movies as Hollywood attempts to suck every last cent out of the public without any concern for quality, and this one does feel as though it was produced with the order of more of the same, but it also repeats what I liked about the first one – history meets fantasy. The good news is that it features the wonderful Amy Adams, who is fantastic as Amelia Earhart, and Hank Azaria, who provides almost all of the laughs in this picture as a strangely persnickety Egyptian pharaoh named Kah Mun Rah. Unfortunately, a couple interesting performances as real or fictitious historical figures isn’t enough to pull off the difficult task of bringing back the charm of the first Night at the Museum while still being original. The chances are very strong that you and your kids will lose interest halfway through watching this, not unlike Ben Stiller appears to have done halfway though starring in it.

***/*****

3/5 STARS

Verified ALF Twitter

Verified ALF Twitter

That's right, he's back Old sitcom characters are imprisoned by time, doomed to repeat the same anachronistic lines over and over, and show you that smile again...and again...and again. Well, one particularly wily character's broken out using his advanced knowledge of space, time, and sit-comedy, and it's Verified ALF.

The first TV alien to take advantage of social media, the sarcastic, big-nosed Alien Life Form Gordon Shumway has finally jumped on the Twitter boat to keep the masses up to speed on everything from musings on feline deliciousness to general life frustrations, with remarkably clean spelling and punctuation considering how fat and hairy his fingers are. The 253-year-old has lost none of his trademark Melmacian snarkiness, as evidenced in his criticism of world affairs ("Putting humans in charge of the Earth is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct"), his unique powers of interpretation ("There was a note in the fridge 'ALF don't eat this.' Why would I eat a piece of paper?"), and his takes on confounding puppets, e.g., "Brian just asked me if I get Sesame Street on Melmac. I don't, and frankly I don't get it here either." -- so, you can fly a spaceship, but you can't learn one letter a day and count bats? Because it's just what he does, Alf also documents his drive to eat cats using any means necessary, with posts like "The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?", "Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.", and "You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel."

Hinting he may have ulterior motives for joining up, of the 35 accounts ALF's following, 31 are cats, including Keyboard Cat, who you're completely sick of showing you that Cheshire grin again...and again...and again.

Be reminded just how great he was at Twitter.com/Verified_ALF

Payback

When detective Sean Walker's partner is brutally murdered by psychotic killer Billy during a drug bust gone wrong, Sean nearly executes Billy himself. Traumatized by his friend's death and disgusted by internal politics, Sean quits the Las Vegas police force and moves his beautiful wife and young daughter to an isolated ranch.


After ten years in prison, Billy escapes and sets out to get even with the cop who put him away. He hooks up with his sadistic girlfriend Sadie and the two set out in search of Sean, leaving a trail of dead bodies in their wake. Clueless, Sean's former colleagues call him in to help. As Sean tracks the escaped killer, Billy and Sadie close in on the ranch. By the time Sean realizes where Billy's trail leads, his wife, teenage daughter, and their sexy traveling companion Michelle, have been taken hostage.


While waiting for Sean to arrive, Billy and Sadie indulge their perverse appetites with the helpless prisoners. Racing against time, Sean must act alone to save his family from the brutal killers bent on revenge.

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I know what you're thinking. Why would you even watch this movie?! I mean, the big stars include, the boy from Blue Lagoon, the one guy from one of the Saw movies and Angie Everhart! Why was this even on my Netflix list? I have no clue. Maybe I clicked on the wrong thing? Maybe it was because I watched that Reality TV Show where the child stars were trying to get back into the business and I felt nostalgic? I have no clue how it got on my list or how it even moved to the top at all!


I was shocked to get this in the mail and really didn't even want to watch it. It's got the feel of a made for TV movie and it was definitely straight to DVD. But I watch everything, as I said before, so I watched it. After falling asleep before the end, I had to wake up and re-watch the end. There were a couple of "sexy" scenes, if we were on like Lifetime or something. I did see a small boob. Only one. Don't get me wrong, I like movies without sex scenes and whatnot, but when Everhart calls up the bellboy to come back to the room for some action while she's "separated" from Atkins (for 10 years now?!).


This movie should never be watched by anyone ever again. For your own safety, stay away.


1/5 Stars


*/*****

Nine 1/2 Weeks

In the often impersonal city of New York, a city that never sleeps, a city filled with the shadows and secrets of its citizens, a man and a woman conduct a highly sensual sexual affair.

John (Mickey Rourke), a wealthy businessman, seduces a beautiful art assistant, Elizabeth (Kim Basinger), who is recently divorced after a three-year marriage.

He first comes across as funny and adventurous, but it soon becomes clear that's not all John is into. He plays strange sexual games with Liz, blindfolding her and putting ice on her body, making her crawl on the floor to him, and "hypnotizing" her with the sound of a watch he gave her, suggesting that every day at twelve o'clock she think of him touching her.

Elizabeth's world is thrown into chaos as she hungers for John sexually, wanting to know who he really is. However, John is unwilling to give her any kind of hint as to his background. She tries to introduce him to her circle of friends, but he flat out refuses, telling her all he wants is the nights with her--she can have the days with her friends.

Slowly Elizabeth becomes increasingly dependent on John--he feeds her in the morning, bathes her, takes care of her, and makes love to her in ways she's never experienced. She finally realizes that their relationhip is unhealthy and is driven to the edge when John starts to have sex with a prostitute in front of her in a dingy motel room.

She can't think straight anymore, and is desperately unhappy. She becomes even more confused and upset when her best friend begins a relationship with her ex-husband.

In the end she leaves John, telling him it's too little too late when he tries to tell her about himself. When she walks out the door into the apartment complex courtyard, he whispers to himself that he loves her and that she had better come back in 50 seconds. She doesn't though, and the movie ends with her walking down the lonely streets of the city, crying and thinking about the fact that for nine and a half weeks she had an erotic affair with a perfect stranger.

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This synopsis was brought to you by IMDb. If I had to put together a synopsis, I'd still be thinking about it. I picked this movie from Netflix because I've been on a big Mickey Rourke fix. I turned this one and was shocked into quiet submission!

This movie made me fall in love with the sexyness of Kim Basinger and I NEVER thought that would happen! I mean, she's attractive and everything, but in this movie, it was just like... "WOW". Seriously. If you have a thing for hot blondes, this is the movie for you. I gave it 3/5 stars just because of the sex scenes and having Mickey Rourke. Sometimes you just get style points!

Now, as for a movie... it wasn't good. Basically, two people meet, bang a lot and you think they might fall in love... AND THEY DO... but he doesn't tell her and it never happens and at the end of the movie, she just walks away crying.

I thought I missed something in the movie. They seemed to be getting along and had good sexual chemistry, thought it got a little weird... but who doesn't like wild weird crazy sex?! I know I do! But at the end, she just started crying a lot... then one morning it looked like she woke up... started to pack some of his things... then said "I'll have someone come for my stuff" then left and it was over.

The whole movie, I expected some sort of twisted twist where he starts to beat her or something... I didn't get it. I didn't even know how the title "Nine 1/2 Weeks" made any sense. How was I to know it lasted that long?!

So, if you wanna get "hot and bothered", go watch this movie. If you're looking for a good movie with a good story... go to the theater and see The Tooth Fairy staring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

***/*****

3/5 Stars

Stephen Auctions Off His Interview Table for Charity

Can you feel the history? From Sir Richard Branson chucking water at Stephen to Bill O'Reilly using the epithet "progressive secular" -- everyone who's anyone has had a turn at the interview table.

Now you can make it your turn -- minus the actual TV interview.

The Interview Table and a Certificate of Authenticity has been signed by Stephen. Plus, it will come with a list of every guest ever interviewed at the table.

Auction began January 18 at 11:30 pm EST and ends January 25 at 11:30 pm EST.

The winning bid will go directly to the American Red Cross.

Bid now at Colbertnation.com.

Movies?!

Since I'm such an asshole and have no friends or loved ones, I've watched a lot of movies on my Netflix list. Therefore, congradulations to my 11 followers! I will now give you my opinion on all of the crappy movies I watch!

YES!

I know you're excited!

Bad Stupid Things

At this stage I find myself wanting to do bad and stupid things. I usually do things that make situations worse because I'm selfish and figure if I have to live shit, everyone else does, too. But I do it subconsciously. I don't mean to do stupid and bad things, they just come naturally to me.

Good luck world. I've reverted back into an asshole and I have bad and stupid things on the top of my mind!

FNORD

A New Angry Me

Not sure what to say in this blog of mine anymore. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve barely left my apartment. I barely get anyone calling me or texting me anymore and when they do, I don’t bother responding.

I go by day-by-day just going through the motions. At work I pretend like life is grand like normal. I guess I feel the need to be the happy-go-lucky guy of the office. I hate doing that, though. I hate putting on a false face and playing a role. I’m not an actor. I don’t have a SAG card. As soon as I exit the building, my face turns to emotionless crap. I’m starting to notice that it’s happening sometimes through the day as well.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I seem to be angry at the world for giving me so much shit. Anyone that cares for me or at least pretends to care for me just disappears eventually. I seem to be all alone in this world. I’m not saying that like it’s a good or bad thing. I’m just stating the facts. There’s not one person in this whole entire world that gives a shit about me. Maybe that’s what I’m angry about?

I’m not telling you all this because I’m looking for sympathy. I’m not depressed or sad. I’m just angry. I normally don’t get angry. No one out there really makes me angry. Maybe it was all waiting inside throughout the years until the final straw was broken? I’ve punched things so much in the past two weeks that I’ve begin to routinely ice my fist. Someone honked their horn at me the other day and I sped up and cut them off. I got out of my car and stared at them. They quickly sped away. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

I heard myself sound like Eeyore while talking once. That was weird.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m angry at the world for being how it is. Maybe I should be angry at myself because I made my world how it is by stupid decisions. The way I see it, I can’t be blamed for the way that world treats me.

I used to be a happy person and used to try my hardest to make the world happy. I was a people pleaser to the highest possible place. I would do anything for those around me just to make them happy. With every one of those people that I thought cared about me and I put in 100% of myself to them, I ended up getting burned. All the way back to my childhood people have burned me. I usually got back up, dusted myself off and went on with my life. I’d eventually find someone else that I would do the same with, only to get the same happen to me. It seems like a pattern that would never end until the end of my existence.

I thought the pattern had finally ended about a year ago. I was wrong. When I got burned that time, I was sad and depressed. I thought it was the end of my world. I was ready to just fall asleep and never wake up. That ended after a while. I became back to the regular me. I even met a girl, though through unusual circumstances. I became happier than I thought I would ever be again. Because of certain circumstances, it wasn’t a “complete” relationship, but I was okay with that. I was okay with the part of her I could get. In fact, I loved that part I could get. Any part of her that I was allowed to have, I immensely enjoyed. She recently disappeared as quick as she showed up in my life. And as random as she showed up, she disappeared without explanation.

I knew two weeks ago that we would be ending soon. Because of something that happened to her, I could tell that her situation would be changing and I would not be needed in her life. I saw it coming. When she just stopped, she didn’t tell me. She didn’t talk to me about it. She just stopped me. Like everyone else in my life, she just stopped me. I’m not sad and depressed like I was before. I’m just angry. I’m not angry at her. I’m not angry at the situation. I’m just angry.

I want to punch things.

I want to hurt things.

New Years Resolutions?

So, who out there actually made some New Years Resolutions that they are going to follow? I've never made them myself because I know I won't follow them. Instead, I usually made "decisions" on what I'm going to do different year after year. Let me tell you what I've come up with for 2010.

This year will be quite a different year than I've ever experienced. I'm going to embrace parts of myself that I've shunned and hid from the outside world.

First of all, I'm a smoker. I smoke cigarettes, not the funky stuff. Smokers being out there are few and far between, especially for someone that works at a doctor's office! At lunch and after work, I'd have a smoke, usually hidden around the corner at work or where not that many people would see me. Not anymore. I'm proud to be a smoker. I'm gonna fill the air around me with the fumes of nicotine and tobacco! I'm going to exhale in the direction of anyone around me so they too can enjoy a quicker trip to the afterlife! I've also decided that I'm probably going to start smoking more. It's good for the economy!

Another thing that I've realized is that I found it to be totally true when people say the phrase "nice guys finish last". Through experience myself and viewed with others, I finally see it that nice guys do finish last. I've played the nice guy role for way too long. The inner-asshole in me breaks out at times, but not as much as it would like to be. The days of myself being a gentleman or nice guy at all... are over. It doesn't get you anywhere to be nice. My old high-school motto of "Fuck the World" has turned back around and come back home. The nice guy that never gets anywhere with anything is dead. Long live the King! The King of the Assholes!

Attached with this, I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want. I wanted a 32inch flat screen TV, I bought it. I'm gonna take what I want when I want it. I'm going to do what I want when I want to do it. It's that simple. This will break one of my cardinal rules. I've always said that I will NEVER go to the movies by myself. I didn't want to be that weirdo that was in the theater by himself. Now, if I wanna see a goddamn movie, I'm gonna go see it. I'm not gonna wait to see if anyone will see it with me, I'm just gonna go.

Some good changes are happening... well, not that the others were bad, they were just negative! I'm going to get back to the school crap. I need to further my education and shit. Yeah, I know, I'm freakin' excited about it. I get to waste two night of my week that I would normally spend doing nothing... going to school. AND THEN, I get to waste more time during my week on homework and studying and crap. Doesn't that sound like fun?

I'm starting my working out again, too. I've taken stuff out of my room and kind of re-arranged it so that I have more room to get my workout on. That sounded a little gay... dammit. I had a doctor's visit and was like "I weigh what...?!" Figured I have to start moving again.

I probably have a few more, too... just can't think of them right now. I've had a pretty shitty time since Christmas Day. My mind and heart just aren't right anymore. I don't really know what to say.

I for sure wasn't a fan when someone texted me "I didn't want you to have a bad NYE, but don't text me back. I'll probably text you eventually. Don't text me back anything. Don't text me." Yeah, great. That's pretty awesome. Do you sense the sarcasm?

So, did anyone else make any New Years Resolutions or changes for their lives for 2010? Spread the news, let me hear your opinion on mine and let me hear yours!

What did I learn over New Years?

Do not blog drunk. I'd delete it, but it's a reminder for me to NOT BLOG DRUNK! Let it be a reminder to you peeps as well. Never a good idea.

FNORD